March 2005 Archives

It's late and I am up wondering different types of things. These are generally confined to wondering how I should be reacting and whether or not those reactions are part of the patterns I mentioned before.

But it's late. Good times tonight Ian, Jason and Ron.

For the first time in six months my roommate Stephanie has a job. This is, of course, barring a month-long stint as a receptionist at a dentist's office in San Francisco, but that is neither here nor there. Her fiance, Jason (my other roommate), works as a vet tech at, you guessed it, a vet's office. Possibly the only veterinary office in the state that still uses papyrus scrolls for record-keeping, they recently decided to make a leap into the 20^th century and buy a computer. Due to some clever positioning by Jason and tasteful use of tasteless nude photos, he has secured his fiance the exciting job of data entry clerk. It's not glamorous, but it's a paycheck. What's more, there is talk of Steph being hired full-time. There is, of course, much rejoicing in our home.

But what bearing does this have on me? Why am I mentioning it in a post entitled "A Night on the Town?" Lucky for you, these are exactly the questions I intend to answer.

It would only make sense that Steph and Jason, who now work at the same office, should also work the same hours and, thus, carpool. It's just more economical. Now, Jason works nights. Generally 4PM to 12AM meaning that when I arrive home at 5 or 6, there is a significant amount of time that passes while I am alone. Last night was my first night experiencing this. As it stands, I decided to have a night on the town. Just me and a few dollars.

So, arriving home at roughly 5:30, I set off in search of dinner. It was to be a long evening, or at least I hoped it would be, and so eating beforehand seemed like a good idea. As is often the case, beer was involved. I happen to live right next to a pizza place that serves the delicious swill known to the Initiated as MGD. What's more, it's only $5 for a pitcher. One small pizza and a pitched of beer later, I was feelin' pretty good. Time to head back home and prep for the evening. Perhaps "prep" is too strong a word. "Loaf on my ass till it was later" is probably better, but I don't know how to say that in a single word so I'll stick with prep.

Prepping at home, I watched some XPlay (I don't play video games that often any more, but I will watch TV shows about them for hours on end, it seems) and chatted online. The beautiful thing about technology, specifically wireless technology, is that I am allowed the freedom to discuss all manner of philosophical dilemmas with Joshua while, at the same time, evacuating a pitcher of beer. Is there no obstacle man cannot tackle? I, for one, think not.

Empty bladder means room for more, so I filled up a flask with some Jameson's (12-year, baby!), stuff some cigars in my jacket, and headed out to downtown Santa Rosa. For a while I had contemplated heading to San Francisco, but it seemed like much to far of a drive at the time. In retrospect, it still seems like to far of a drive, but I digress. Finding parking in downtown Santa Rosa is easy. Finding free parking in an area where you won't get stabbed is somewhat more difficult. While I have not been stabbed, I think I came close. More on that later.

So, off through downtown I trotted. Cutting a Macanudo and happily smoking it, I went looking for a place to drink and meet people. Whatever social stigma applies to smokers, it is ten-fold worse for those who choose cigars. I got some of the dirtiest looks I've ever been given, most of them from the 16-year-old to 30-something crowd that stand out in front of coffee shops endlessly smoking pack upon pack of cloves while blocking the sidewalk from any sort of foot traffic. Walk near them and you're bound to walk away reeking of clove-stink yet, somehow, I'm an ass for smoking a cigar.

Just beyond lay The Cantina, a passable Tex-Mex resaturant and bar with an outdoor patio. A quick hop over the fence, slide up to an empty table and busboys are delivering chips and salsa with wreckless abandon or, at least, as much wreckless abandon one can have when daintily placing a basket of chips on patio table. I ate and smoked and watched people play out the social drama that is there everyday life.

It is amazing how many people seem to become so engrossed in their own finite reality that they completely forget the existence of a small man smoking a cigar no less than 12 feet from them. To my left sat a table of 3 college girls, all very attractive somewhere underneath 4 layers of MAC foundation. To my right, a table of 4 college guys, also very attractive. Both groups did their best to steal glances at each other to try and catch eyes or smiles, but neither actually got up. No one said anything. I, happy to enjoy my glass of Jamesons (refilled, on occasion, by my own hidden flask), watched this drama play out for the better part of an hour. People-watching is endlessly amusing.

After a while, having learned the names of most everyone in both groups, I singled out a guy and girl who, unbeknownst to each other, that the other was cute. Ryan, whose name I had caught very early on, was desperately trying to think of a way to approach Jenny. Apparently, his frat buddy (whose name I did not catch, but, for comical purposes, we will call Don) Don's suggestion of "go grab her tit" was not the best idea. Taking action, I call over my server and ask a small favor. She smiles, brings me my bill, and is off. I calmly sign my bill, stand (signalling the server to bring a drink over), and exit stage right. With a quick, "Hey Ryan. She thinks that drink is from you" I hopped back over the fence and walked down the street to Barnes & Nobel, hoping Ryan picked up the cue.

Before actually crossing the street to Barnes & Nobel, I decided to get a cup of coffee. Having finished the cigar about a half block before, I walked inside Peet's to grab a cup. Then, back out into the evening. It was a great night out, if a little breezy at times. The coffee kept me warm or at least under the delusion that I was warm. I had wanted to catch a beer at Russian River, but, upon reaching the door, decided that filthy Belgian beers were not something I wanted. So, a quick jaunt West and I came upon Tex Wasabi's. As I passed The Cantina, now on the opposite side of the street, I could not see either group that had been there previously.

Tex Wasabi's, for some reason, is a club. It's a sushi club. You can get your freak on (in a very limited space, though that did not stop the ladies from trying) or grab a Philidelphia roll. Your call. My call was to sit at the bar and have a beer. For some unknown reason, this place tends to get really crowded. Well, "unknown reason" is not wholly true. The bar area, itself, is only 8 feet wide. What is unknown is why so many damn people go there. I was content, however, to drink at the bar.

It was a pleasant experience, other than the ludicrously drunk girl who kept saddling up to the bar next to me to either buy more drinks, fall asleep on her arms (this happened twice in one sitting) or to try and make out with me. Honestly, what's the proper reaction to someone leaning over close to you and just sucking on your neck? Her friends (who were gorgeous) ran over and apologized. It is, after all, Spring Break (it was in this moment I had a small epiphany, 'That's why it's so damn crowded tonight'). I, in turn, bought them a round of drinks and their friend a water. We all chatted for a while about who works where and what their majors are and all that. Once they noticed their friend hadn't come back from the bathroom, they took off as did I.

It was late by now and I decided to head back to my truck and home. Firing up my Partagas, I cruised a few blocks up and down downtown stopping to talk with people smoking outside bars. These groups were by far much more accepting of a cigar (I was told by some guy's girlfriend, "It's so fucking hot when a guy smokes a cigar") than the coffee-house crowd. I ran into a friend from high school at one place and a bartender friends (on his night off, of course) at another. As I moved from group to group, I did notice a familiar face each time. No one I knew, but the same guy in each group.

He wasn't big, but larger than myself. A bit taller and a lot thicker. Thick, puffy jacket and oversized jeans topped with a baseball hat crooked at a ridiculous angle. The first two times I caught him staring at me, I just figured I was talking to his girlfriend or something. So, I called him out and apologized. He said nothing and walked off. When I ran into him again, he was still staring at me. I could tell he was sizing me up, but I could also tell he was a puss. Why else would he have backed off when I called him out?

So, group to group and then back to my truck waiting, conveniently, under a street lamp. I could hear someone behind me, probably 10 or 15 yards back and knew it had to be the guy who was sizing me up. We will call him Chino because I think it's sounds funny. As exciting as this is, nothing particularly exciting happened. I figured he would probably jump me or, at the very least, try to jump me if I gave him the chance. I think he lost his nerve once he saw I was parked under a lamp because once I got to my car, he glanced over at me and kept walking.

"Hey, Chino. We have a problem?"

He stopped for a moment and looked at me and, for a second, I could see him weighing out what he should do. I'm not a big man by any means, but I can be intimidating if the situation calls for it. So, I stared him right back in the eyes. A good 3 seconds of complete silence passed before he said "No, man...no problem," and walked off.

I waited for him to get a decent distance away, got in my truck, rolled down the windows and let loose with 70+ decibels of Deiselboy. It was a good night.

One of the greatest things of self-awareness is the capacity for introspection. For some, this is as easy as walking while others have a difficult time trying to connect. I try and do this as often as I can. It is often entertaining to discover something about yourself. At times, however, you don't need to look inside. Parts of your consciousness walk up and pimp-smack you as if to say, "Remember me, bitch!?" Yes, folks, it's one of those posts today.

In the past two weeks I've had a few experiences like this. Experiences that would've have normally sent me back into old patterns. Having friends suggest, blatantly or otherwise, certain things that would have occurred to me as a bad idea, but I would've followed through with anyway. Not receiving a phone would've had me wondering, "What is it I did to make them not want to call me back?" Experiences generally coupled with bouts of hysteria, panic, and depression.

The way I responded to these sitautions, the patterns I followed, defined who I was. They were as much a part of me as my basal ganglia or my voice. To deny these patterns was to deny myself. As a result, I ended up in a lot of very uncomfortable places and some very bad ones. I didn't like it, but how could I hope to change it? It is not easy to change something so fundamental as these patterns. Or so I thought.

One of the greatest things about self-awareness, as I said above, is the capacity for introspection. It gives a new perspective on things. It may not change your point of view, but it helps to show you more. At the very least, that's what it's done for me. In the situations I mentioned above, I have seen myself tend towards those patterns and deny them and, in the end, I do not feel like I have denied myself.

So, this must be what growing up is: realizing, honestly realizing, that just because you've done something one way for so long doesn't mean it's the best way to do it (a statement which extends to more ideas than what I present in this feeble blog). Letting go of old patterns and patterns in general and giving in to the change. It is, so far, a smooth transition, though long in the making. I am aware of these patterns. From here on, it's a cakewalk (a phrase I'm not entirely sure I understand).

Growing up is a lot more fun than I was previously lead to believe. Sure, there's tons more responsibility, but when your responsibility consisted mainly of waking up at 6AM for cartoons, doing your Social Studies homework, or making sure you wrote that paper deconstructing Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County denizens, it doesn't take much to make it "tons more." I, for one, love it. And you know what? It isn't nearly as scary as most would have you believe.

I am tempted to end this entry with an inflammatory statement. Nothing worth any note to anyone other than those that need to hear it. I will resist, however. Now is not the time and, above all, this blog is not the place. This is a serious entry, no doubt, and I plan on bringing back the funny soon. That's fun to write about, too.

P.S. As I was writing this I was happily eating my Taco Bell lunch. Recently, they've taken to printing little messages on their hot sauce packets. One of the ones said, "Nice palm. I see great pleasure in your future." I couldn't help but think of masturbation. I am a sad little man. There's your funny. More to follow.

It has only just occurred to me that my blog has been out of commission for roughly 3 months now and that I only talk to some of you on rare occassions. In an effort to bring you up to speed, I present this entry: a Reader's Digest version of the last 3 months of my life.

January brought mixed news. School started (fuck you, SSU) and I got a call from my parents at the end of the month saying they would be moving home in 3 weeks. This is all fine and good, but after having lived with my parents for 20 years and housesitting (while paying rent) for the last 3, I decided moving out was the best idea.

So, in February, I found a place to live in less than a week. Soon after a couple friends and I had an adventure wherein I confessed to them an idea I've had for a short story for the better part of two years. Ideas were discussed and, after closing that, we went to a party. At this party I met Julia, a gorgeous woman whom I've been seeing mid-February. To date, things are going smoothly and I like the direction it is headed. Meeting Julia was, by far, the most notable thing in recent memory.

Come March I am still seeing Julia and was offered a full-time position at O'Reilly Media, Inc. After thinking it over (an act that lasted no more than 3 seconds) I took the job and am now a full-time employee for the first time ever in my life. Being salaried with benefits feels good.

There are probably things I am leaving out, but they are all stories to be told at a later date. I've mentioned the 3 most important things. Sorry for the absence of my blog. In the future I will try and make arrangments well before my DSL connection is cancelled. I will be importing old entries as soon as I can get them off my old webserver.

I have had certain...opportunities presented to me. Opportunities that I have not taken because I do not feel I am in that space any more. They are no longer part of any path I walk. That is not to say they are not without their merit. Given different circumstances and sitautions, I'd have jumped at these opporunities.

In a similar vein, I often fnd myself think of a girl I've been seeing. I do not know when it qualifies as "something serious" (is it serious after 5 dates?), but I have a great time with her and she has a great time with me. She's been out of town for the past week and, despite the short time we've known each other and the slow pace with which we're taking this, I miss her. Not a gut-wrenching, "I cant go on" kind of feeling, but, rather, that I miss her company. I'm really looking forward to hearing from her. To eating sushi and talking about her kids (she's a tutor) and her crazy friends and mine.

I've decided that this is what dating should be like. Where I am right now, with this girl, and our situation. I've decided that it is much, much easier. I've decided that I like it and that I am very happy.

So, while this entry is vague and short and, in some ways, not as cohesive or well-written as I would like, it will do. I am happy. I have a fanastic job, great friends, and a woman I have an amazing time with. I could not ask for more.

In sharp contrast to the previous couple posts, today I wanted to talk about a few new CDs I purchased recently. Some are brand, spankin' new. Others are newish. So don't harp on my ass if you'd had it for months 'cause I could give a damn. It's new to me, bitches! It's also mostly electronic.

First up is The Retrosic. When I heard their single, "The Storm (MP3 Sample)" I thought it was a :wumpscut: song. While that track does sound uncannily like Rudy R, the rest of the album is pretty disctint though not without its obvious influences. Characterized (on this album at least) by heavy beats and grating vocals, there are a couple tracks that are lighter instrumental pieces. This gives the album a choppy feel though the tracks, themselves, are well done. Good album, but not great.

Second is Mono Chrome. Comprised of the dude from cut.rate.box and the chick from Claire Voyant, I really expected more from them. cut.rate.box rocks and the vocals from Claire Voyant songs are generally spectacular. The single "Sold (MP3 Sample)" is pretty damn good. Great vocals and a nice hook, but the rest of the album is lacking. Not really true to form of the two great bands these people come from. Still, it's kinda fun especially since they claim to have recorded the entire CD with no hardware synth or sampler. Everything was done on a computer. I have yet to find out what software, but I'm curious.

Most of the other albums I've purchased recently have been like the above two: really great singles, not so good with the whole album. Monofader (whose webpage is sophomoric at best) really seemed to rely on the names rather than the music. A couple good tracks, but nothing to write home about. mind.in.a.box. had a great idea for a concept album (check the website for details) and the free tracks available on the website were awesome, but the album overall (especially the lyrics) pretty much sucked. I was also unimpressed with Lights of Euphoria's Krieg Gegen Die Maschinen. The guest vocals my Ronan of VNV Nation were great, though.

So, have I bought any good music lately? Well yes. Yes I have.

Haujobb's Verticle Theory is amazing. Characterized by thicks bass and heavy beats, the whole album has a dark, brooding sound to it. It reminds me of a short story I'm working on (friends I've described the short story to have also told me the album reminds them of it). Somewhat minimal in the sound department at times, Meyer proves that you don't have to assault the ears to get your point across. This album totally rocks. Get it. Or borrow it from me.

So, yeah. A totally random, somewhat disjointed entry today, but I wanted to keep it light and fun. At the very least, listen to the samples I've provided and visit the websites of the bands. The Retrosic have a great feel to them and are still really good. I just expected more. Chances are, though, that if a band has a sample listed on their website, that's the best song they have right now. If you like it, I'll make you a mix. All of these bands are available on Metropolis Records and have sample clips there as well.

I know a lot of people. A lot. There is no volume you can think of that I cannot fill with friends, family and aquaintances. If the Endtime were tomorrow, I could muster a tribe to rival that of any four you could.

But I am not talking about conquest of your foolish peoples. Such things are beneath both you and me. The answer is obvious. No! Instead I speak of patterns. Patterns in people I know. This entry will be short as I intend to keep it vague.

There are people I know who are adults regardless of age.

A lot of it has to do with understanding and, more importantly, willingness to accept that understanding. I think most are afraid to do that. I know I was and very well may be still, though I doubt it.

It has to do with recognition. Seeing things that are so obvious they sometimes can't be seen. It has to do with patterns and synchronicity. Events are not always coincidental.

It has to do with being open and seeing everything from all sides before making a decision.

And now, I am become return.

It is, as I write, 2:30AM early Wednesday March 23^rd and, while I am tired, I am unable to sleep. There are reasons to this. Things I do not have the energy to get into here. Suffice to say, I will head off to bed soon.

It has been a long time since I've written anything. And now I'm even to tired to write though the urge is there. I'll try and write more tomorrow. Tonight, I will sleep and dream, hopefully, of peaceful, happy things and people. Situations and answers. I seek rest. Peace. Balance.

And I am attaining it.