August 2006 Archives
This is making me so happy right now and the fact that Chelsea is in 5th is just that much sweeter.
Next up: Tottenham. You can go ahead and just add 3 more points to ManU now.
I've been mulling over the idea for a couple hours now that no one knows me entirely. There are a few people that know large portions of the story and others that know bits and pieces, but no one that knows the whole thing. I'm trying to decide how this makes me feel and, also, what it would mean to spill everything here. In a more classic journal, sure, I could do that without fear. Honestly, who could possibly find it and read it? But this public medium is an entirely different story.
While the process of outlining both my faults and my talents in a private journal are appealing, it may only get me so far. At some point, I would imagine I would have to discuss some topic or another with someone. Hence my dilemma. It has me wondering who, if anyone, I would completely disclose all aspects of my life to and if they would understand what it meant for me to do that.
The hypocrisy of that entire thing cracks me up. Without sounding too cynical, how many people have died for religion and how many can you chalk up to popular culture? I mean, The Cure alone have to have, like, 20-35 suicides attributed to them (seriously, listen to Disintegration). But, like, the Crusades count for at least 200,000.
Also, Harry Potter is bad, too. Magic + kids = Satan.
Actually, I found this on the internet and it kinda makes me want to hang myself. This is along the lines of all the guys I knew in high school constantly saying, "I can't wait till the Olsen twins turn 18 and do a porno together."
Sad and really fucking gross.
I am tempted to use the phrase "There comes a time in everyone's life..." to begin this entry. I like the way it sets up what the author undoubtedly believes is something of a small epiphany. Words like epiphany and revelation are too grand to describe those little moments when some puzzle piece falls into place and you realize you've been reading the road map upside-down.
Christ. I think I may need to start taking metaphor lessons again.
There comes a time in everyone's life when they have a tiny epiphany or some small revelation. It doesn't necessary change who you are or make you rethink your core values. It's more like a "Huh," but with the inflection that implies "I've never thought of that before." In the past this moment has lead me to deep frying bacon or abandoning, at least in practice, Catholicism in favor of Agnosticism. It's not so much an epiphany or revelation as it is the impetus that leads to either of those. In the past few months I've come to realize I am having one of those "Huh" moments.
I'm at that age when all your friends start to get married and start families. To be fair, the vast majority of people are know are 5-7 years my senior and have already had this moment. For them, I would like to think this is a bit of glimpse into the past. I mean more the friends I have that are my own age: the 20-somethings (holy shit, there's a phrase you haven't seen used since the late 80's/early 90's). The past two years have been a flurry of suit purchases, tux rentals, and telephone conversations containing the words, "Oh my God did you hear who's getting married!?" verbatim. Some of it has been surprising and some has been exactly as I envisioned it. And now, with a year or two of what can only be described as "baby-making practice" under their belts, these same friends are expecting (or would be expecting, but are otherwise inhibited at this point).
Over the last two years, and even before that, I have felt some (at times a lot of) pressure to be in the same place my peers were. Not from them or even from my family, mind you. It's just a circumstance of the situation. For example, when you're hanging out with friends and you realize you're the only one who came alone... Well, no one likes to be an outsider (or a fifth wheel). I have long since given up an succumbing to that pressure. However, now I find myself in a completely different situation: as I said before, all my friends are having (or already have) babies. Which leads my to my "Huh" moment.
Do I want children?
Before continuing I want to state that in no way do I feel any pressure to decide right now whether or not I should inflict my seed upon this world. It is more about the question than anything. You see, I've never really given that much thought to the idea of siring progeny. I always assumed I would defer that responsibility to my wife (much like the wedding details). But I've come to the conclusion that any woman I would actually want to marry wouldn't accept either of those stances from me. So, as far as the wedding is concerned, I have thought about what I would and would not want (first and foremost is that the bridesmaid's dresses must be flattering, I will not have my wedding remembered for it's horrid bridal party clothing). And, now, I find myself admist this baby-craze and I can't help but think, "Is fatherhood something I'd want to do?"
I'm certain this is question few single, 24-year-old males ask themselves, though I can't be the only one and I think it definitely has merit. Until very recently I was in the "No Babies" boat. My reasons are plenty. First, I know some people, both family and friends, who have children that really shouldn't. Not that it is at all my place to dole out Intercourse with Intent to Breed coupons. It's just that I see them with their kids and it's obvious they still have their own issues to work out, some larger than others. Honestly, I know that if everyone waited till they had all their shit figured out to have kids the species would've died out long ago. Still, the issues are there and, from a single outsider's perspective (please note the place I've put myself in and take anything read with a grain of salt), I worry how it might affect their children.
Then there are my own issues, both emotional and physical. I am of Italo-Irish descent which, in all reality, would put my children at a very high risk for alcoholism. I am also a depressive (though I have taken some gigantic fucking steps in that lately) and have good reason to believe that depression is a genetic trait. I can tell you from experience that being depressed as a 10-year-old is confusing and as a 21-year-old is very bad news. These physical defects (and they are though I am not ashamed of them) come strictly from me. Who is to say would I marry that my wife would be completely free of physical incapabilities? It is a difficult question, would I have children knowing these things about myself?
I understand where medical science is and I have ultimate faith that by the time children would be an option for me it will have progressed to the point where a 15-minute physical would tell me with 99% certainty what I would pass on. So, in a perfect world, I would pass on none of the physical limitations. But that still leaves the biggest question of all. Beside how I see my friends and what I perceive them to be doing to their children, beside my own emotional issues what would cause me to do the same, and beside even the potential physical conditions I would accidentally impart, how the fuck do you raise a child?
Let me demonstrate how big this question is to me through use of a scenario. It is an average week night and you and your partner are at home with your 5-year-old child (it has been my experience that 5-year-olds have a much higher understanding of the world than one might think). The child sits on the floor playing with your partner while you watch TV. During the show, a man catches his wife cheating on him. He becomes enraged, starts swearing, hurts his wife and her lover, and goes to jail for attempted murder. Because the man is rich, he pays his way out of serving time. Eventually, he atones for his sins by attending church.
Ridiculous? Maybe, but definitely not that far removed from reality. To show the immensity of the "How do you raise a child?" question, here is what I think when I read that paragraph. Why are you not playing with your partner and child? Why are you watching that on TV and is it okay for your child to watch it? Obviously you can't shield them for ever, but when do you stop? Do you slowly let them see things about the world? If so, what parts? Do you let your child watch the love scene? If so, how do you explain sex (and not just procreational sex, recreational sex too)? Do you let your child watch the violence? How do you explain, if your child asks, why the man was mad? How do you explain that sometimes bad guys get away? How do you explain God?
All that and more runs through my head. I wonder how my friends who are parents can do it and how my friends who are parents-to-be will handle it. I wonder how what sort of decisions they make now will affect their child(ren) 5, 10, 20 years down the road. It's all such a huge responsibility.
In the end, I don't think I'll really know if I'll want children until I meet their mother. Until then all I can really do is observe my friends with their children, keep asking myself those questions, and worry about fucking them up.
So it's the end of my work week and good riddance to it. I've mostly completed (just a couple more things to flesh out) an application that's consumed most of my life for the past three weeks. When I logged my hours for my paycheck last Friday it came in around 110 for an 80 hour period. In short, nearly three weeks worth of work in two.
It feels good, though, since I've had my hands in every part of the process this appilcation uses. I'm responsible for the majority of the database processes that load our sales data daily. I spent roughly three hours in meetings with the head of the sales department going over what he'd like in the application. I worked for three days without writing any code at all just to make sure that I had structured the application in an intuitive and easily understood manner.
And, in the end, I happy with the result. There are one or two things I'd like to change some point down the line, but right now it feels good to have created something this good. Our sales match, to the penny, what our distributor is telling us we've sold. Previously our internal reporting had been sub par, at best, and I like knowing that everyday someone's going to be using something I made without even knowing it.
That's kind of the interesting part of what I do: when I do my job well no one at all knows I've done my job.
Shitstorm Entry:
Working essentially two full-time jobs at 2/3 the pay of one of them (probably 1/2 the other).
Barely have time for sleep.
Do not be offended if I haven't gotten in touch with you.
The end is nearly in sight. Will update more often then.
